TUCSON- "One Bertos to rule them all, One Bertos to find them, One Bertos to bring them all, and in the desert bind them" reads an inscription above the doorway at the new Uniberto's location off of N. Stone Ave and E Drachman St. The yellow and red-hued color-scheme and aesthetic of the all too familiar Mexican fast food drive-thru joint that is a "-bertos" establishment is still here: the 24 hour availability, the gluttonous amount of greasy Mexican fare in styrofoam packaging, the mostly-affordable pricing and the barely comprehensible, seemingly 60's era drive-thru speaker. Yet there is something special in the air. Perhaps it is because Uniberto's is not only an establishment. It is now a symbol; A symbol of hope, peace and unification for a better future.
The great Bertos War started in in 1993 after Filiberto escaped from San Diego to start his food empire in Mesa, Arizona. "San Diego was full of sharks. And i'm not talking about the ones in the water, " says Filiberto. "I thought I left the darkness behind when I arrived in Mesa. However, I quickly learned that once you are King, family is just a word." His cynical sentiments are not unjustified, though.
At first, his brothers Eriberto, Riliberto, Poliberto, Roliberto, Raliberto, Julioberto and Rolberto worked to help him expand the "Filiberto's" Arizona territory all the way down to Tucson but greed got the best of them. "They didn't just want a piece of the taco pie. They wanted the whole kitchen," Filiberto says. For over 20 years, territorial battles ensued. "Lots of tears were spilled. Lots of salsa", he continues with his eyes welling up. "I couldn't stand it. "Filiberto's" is the gold standard. And when the people are hungry, the people are dumb. They just see a "Berto's" and just assume it's all the same. IT'S NOT THE SAME!" He slams his fist on the table and quickly collects himself.
He then recounts the moment he was tired of all of the turmoil and strife after watching the Fast and Furious saga all the way through over a weekend. "Dominic Toretto went thru hell, just like me. But he would always emphasize family. They went further together. They went faster and furious-ier together. And I thought to myself 'I need to bring the Bertos together so we can all rise together...as family. So I snuck into Poliberto's one night under the cover of darkness and wearing a shroud and begged Poliberto to hear me out. After a few hours and many, many heated exchanges, Poliberto finally saw that I was being sincere and that my heart was in it. He then called Eriberto, Riliberto, Roliberto, Raliberto, Julioberto and left Rolberto a voicemail. And now here we are. From the ashes of the hateful past to the bright, drunken, 3am nights of the loving future!"
The Tucson Times thanked Filiberto for his time and ordered 4 El Gordo Burritos. We will keep you updated with any developments as soon as we finish in el baño.
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