TUCSON, AZ - It's Summer in Tucson and although most are finding refuge from the cursed and unforgiving temperatures, there are still sightings being reported throughout the city of 'afternoon runners': the ones who pursue the recreational sport of running or jogging despite living somewhere that feels forsaken and under the thumb of a cruel, sadistic and omnipresent, demonic force.
We decided to track down one of these dedicated and (frankly) insane, Tucsonans. Derek Hutchinson, a Tucson native, took two minutes from his desert run to speak with us on the side of the trail as we handed him a walkie-talkie from our air-conditioned Honda Civic.
"This is The Tucson Times News. Derek, can you hear us? OVER." "Loud and clear, OVER". We established contact as we watched his sweat drip onto our walkie-talkie. Gross. We decided to be brave and crack the window an inch while turning the A/C knob up two levels.
"Derek, why are you doing this? What's the story here? Have you always been a runner? Is this trauma related? Do you have a weird bodily appendage that would mimic a camel's hump for more water storage? Are you running from something metaphorically speaking as well?"
"I mean I generally hate running, but lately it's just an escape. People are just getting THAT annoying to be around. Whether I'm at work, at home, out with friends or scrolling through social media, I'm surrounded by insufferable fools that act like they know everything about US bond market economic turmoil one day and then submarine pressure differentials the next. Then they watch a Tik-Tok video and are suddenly a scholar on Russian history and geopolitics. Running solo on the surface of the sun always sounds less painful than dealing with another hour of identity politics, Dunning-Kruger spurred narcissism or modern, societal nihilism."
"Ok. Thank you for your time, Derek."
"No problem!"
We rolled up the window and watched Derek suddenly catch aflame and disintegrate into black ash about 100 yards out. We will continue to interview more locals about this phenomenon as temperatures soar.
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