TUCSON- Wilhelm Heinrich Fraktalbach is being dubbed Tucson's own Oppenheimer due to his recent solving of Tucson's most generationally cursed and perplexing issues: seemingly nonsensical traffic light programming. Native residents and newcomers alike have shared with us their dismay at what has been described as a conspiracy theory where "the government must be experimenting with how long citizens of a city can remain sane with random traffic signals". We were able to sit down with Wilhelm for a brief discussion at the Terra Cotta Cafe (inside of the Omni National Resort) on his findings and what it means for Tucsonans. He ordered a glass of milk in a thick German accent and expounded on his findings.
"If one were to look at this glass of milk, it would seem boring and stagnant, yes?" We nod. "Now if we were to take this glass of milk and put it under an electron microscope, we would discover a maddening world of casein phosphoproteins with their own laws and regulations. A whole ecosystem of rules in a boring glass of milk. Tucson is my glass and the traffic lights are my milk."
We asked him where his fascination with Tucson's electronic infrastructure originated from. "My father, Werner Fraktalbach visited me here from Germany because he heard about the world famous Sonoran hotdog and wanted to see if he could bring back his findings back to
Görlitz for a bratwurt variant. We were driving southbound on Campbell Avenue en route to El Guero Canelo and when he came upon a red light on 44th Street, it took suspiciously long to turn green. Almost to the point of malice. Not perturbed by this, we continued forth. People were driving like madmen and the rules were topsy turvy. Left lane slow and right lanes fast. We came to Prince Rd to take a right but a man, dressed peculiarly and seemingly on drugs, blocked our path. He revealed himself and then moved aside after 3 minutes. We continued forth, our tempers rising. It is when we arrived to take a left turn onto Stone Avenue that our demons were beginning to surface. The green allowed 3 vehicles to transfer into Stone Ave and we were vehicle 7. Another green and red allowed 3 more. The people drive very slow. My father, Werner, screamed out "leck mich am arsch!" and pounded his fists onto the steering wheel. We both became silent; our shared furies buried underneath a calm surface. Despite going the speed limit we hit both red lights on E Fort Lowell and Glenn St. which took a collective 26 minutes to surpass. By the time we arrived to El Guero Canelo, it was closed. My father silently drove us back to the hotel and I took my leave back to my apartment on the east side. I haven't heard from him in 2 years."
We expressed our sorrows and told him we understand the frustrations.
"Since then, I have made it my duty to decipher the madness of these lights. The work of an immoral Übermensch from yesteryear. I have 3 Masters from University of Göttingen with focuses on quantum field theory, particle physics, cosmology, statistical physics, soft matter, biophysics, and condensed matter theory. I wished to reconcile with my father, bring pride to my desert home and bring a Sonoran Hot Dog to Görlitz. First I needed to understand these demonic lights..."
Wilhelm spent the next two hours explaining how he integrated an understanding of Planck's constant, atoms and subatomic particles and quantum theory to postulate some sense of causation to Tucson's traffic infrastructure. Needless to say, it went over our head, especially when he dove into a conjecture about wave functions collapsing and vehicles having a superposition during a left turn.
We asked him to ride passenger in our Ford Fiesta to test his theories. He was furiously scribbling in his notepad and switching between English and German on when to accelerate and decelerate depending on our time/space positioning between intersections as we started at Fort Lowell and headed southbound on Alvernon to get to E 22nd St. Much to our shock and awe, we made it in third of the time it normally takes. He smiled and said "Wie wäre es mit den Äpfeln?"
Wilhelm is set to meet with Senator Sinema and Senator Mark Kelly next week to discuss the implications of his discoveries and how it could effect Tucson's culture and economy and perhaps be the catalyst to fixing the city's potholes.
The Tucson Times News will keep you updated as this story progresses.
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